THE WHITE HOUSE
CLASSIFIED
April 20, 2020
MEMORANDUM OF TELEPHONE CONVERSATION
SUBJECT:
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White House Staff Meeting of April 19, 2020
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PARTICIPANTS:
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Mark Meadows, White House Chief of Staff
Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States
Michael Pence, Vice President of the United States
Ivanka Trump, Special Adviser to the President
Jared Kushner, Special Adviser to the President
Donald Trump Jr., Idiot
Notetakers from the White House Situation Room
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DATE, TIME AND PLACE:
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April 19, 2020, 9:03 - 9:33 a.m. EDT
Zoom Web Conference
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Mark Meadows: Welcome everyone to our first staff meeting via videoconference. We’re using Zoom at the recommendation of Senator Loeffler.
Now the first order of business is about all the people… dying… from… (eyes start to tear up)
Now the first order of business is about all the people… dying… from… (eyes start to tear up)
The President: Meadows, are you crying already, you little crybaby? Can Trump get you a diaper? Seriously, would you like one? Mike can grab one off my desk.
Meadows: No, I’m fine. I forgot, I should do roll call first…
Eric Trump: I’m here!
Junior: Who the fuck invited Eric?
The President: Ya, he’s too ugly for Zoom!
Eric: I can make my background look like I’m in Florida!
Junior: You are in Florida, dipshit!
Eric: But I can’t go outside.
The President: Of course you can, you moron! Trump told that idiot DeSantis to open up the whole State. Go outside, breathe the fresh air, get close to people, grab some pussies…
Eric Trump: I can almost touch my elbow with my tongue…
The President: Meadows, stop crying and mute that idiot.
Meadows: Yes sir! (Mutes Eric who silently continues his antics on camera)
The President: Thank God… I mean, thank me that Tiffany isn’t on this thing. She’s way too fat and ugly to have on camera.
(Tiffany hangs up)
Meadows: (Awkward pause) Ivanka are you there?
Ivanka Trump: Yes, Mark.
Meadows: Can you please turn on your video – with all of us remote, it helps us connect if we can see each other.
Ivanka: I can’t – I just got out of the shower. I don’t have anything on.
The President: Turn on the camera, Vanky!
Ivanka: No, Daddy!
The President: DADDY SAYS TURN ON THE CAMERA, VANKY!!
Ivanka: OK… (Turns on camera)
Mike Pence: Oh Jesus, Lord and Savior, my eyes are burning! I knew I shouldn’t be on a call with another woman. FORGIVE ME, MOTHER!! Why couldn’t it be Jared? (Pence slams his laptop shut and is disconnected).
The President: Looking good, sweetie! You remind me of Stormy, who reminded me of you.
Junior: Ewwww, turn off your video, Iskanka!
(Ivanka turns off video)
The President: Damn it! (Yelling at someone off camera) Deborah! Debbie! Trump made a little mess. Can you get a new pair of Trump’s special undies? (Inaudible question asked off camera) It was the mushroom side. And maybe a little on the other side, too. Hurry, Deb!
Meadows: Um…errrr…OK, I guess we should continue talking about key issues now…
Junior: I want to talk about the pardon for the Tiger guy!
Junior: It’s just that I loved that show! Every time I saw it, I got aroused…
The President: Did someone say aroused? That is a great word…
Junior: I got excited because I saw these beautiful, strong, majestic animals who should be running free in the jungle so that I could shoot them. They don’t think they’re so powerful after I shoot them in the face! Meadows, are you crying again?
Meadows: No, it’s just seasonal allergies, Mr. Junior, sir.
Ivanka: Daddy, can you please turn off your camera when the scarf lady is changing you?
The President: I don’t know how. Just look away.
Junior: That’s what you always used to say to me when you, me and Ivanka shared a hotel room.
The President: Those were perfect hotel stays!
Meadows: (visibly crying) Can we talk a little about some national security concerns?
The President: We should call you Cryin’ Mark!
Jared Kushner: Sir, you already are using that nickname for Senator Schumer.
The President: Damn it! How about Wailing Meadows?
Junior: That does have a nice ring to it!
Meadows: (trying to control his sobbing) I thought you only had cruel names for Democrats and former staffers?
The President: Trump likes to think ahead. Like with that bug that’s going around right now.
Meadows: The Coronavirus?
The President: Ya, that one. Trump knew it was a CoronaVirus before anyone knew it was a CoronaVirus. Also, when you guys trascriptify this, can you please put a big-size letter for the V on CoronaVirus even though it’s medically inaccurate? Trump knows big letters better than anyone…
Meadows: The thing I wanted to talk about this morning is a potential environmental threat…
The President: Oh, silly Wailing Meadows! Trump doesn’t give a shit about the environment!
Meadows: Sorry, I mean a potential risk to the Dow Jones…
The President: Oh my god – what is it?
Meadows: It’s a slightly outdated index comprised of a group of the largest companies traded on the New York Stock Exchange to attempt to demonstrate the broad health of the stocks listed on that Exchange. It has often incorrectly become a proxy for general economic health.
The President: Trump doesn’t even understand most of what you just said, but what Trump meant is, “What is the problem with the Dow Jones?” Trump promised the Mar-a-Lago crowd that we would get the Dow up to 30,000 by June.
Meadows: The problem is that due to a massive number of deaths due to the Coronavirus…
The President: It’s waaaaaay less than it could have been if Trump didn’t shut down the border with CHY-NA!
Meadows: Yes, sir, very true. The concern is that there are five nuclear power plants in New York State and with the large number of deaths and illnesses due to Coronavirus, there might not be enough staff to operate them safely. The result could be a huge nuclear accident worse than Three Mile Island.
The President: Is that where they have those delicious Coney dogs?
Ivanka: No, daddy, that’s Coney Island. Remember you took me there for my 13thbirthday party on a private boat with my closest blonde friends?
The President: Oh, right! That was a perfect birthday party.
Ivanka: There were a few lawsuits and NDAs…
Meadows: In any case, we need to form a Task Force to look into the risks. A nuclear meltdown could be catastrophic.
The President: Yes, of course. That would impact my polling numbers! Would there be a chance to do a daily press conference? Think of the ratings…
Meadows: Yes, that would be great, but first I need to staff a Task Force.
Jared: I watched most of Chernobyl, so I think I should probably lead the Task Force. Plus, I have experience with unsafe, toxic environments from my rental apartments.
The President: Great idea, Jar Jar!
Jared: It would be my preference that you don’t call me that, Mr. President, sir.
The President: Why not, Jar Jar?
Jared: It was a character in a movie that we all want to forget.
The President: Which movie?
Jared: Star Wars, Episode I.
The President: Star what?
Jared: Never mind…
Meadows: Please people - I think we need to make sure this doesn’t blow up…
Junior: (laughing loudly) BLOW UP! You said, “blow up” and we’re talking about a nuclear accident. That is frickin’ hilarious!
Meadows: (talking over Junior) Seriously! We need to prevent this – those tree-hugging libtards in California will have a field day with this and the bad publicity could influence some of the purple States.
The President: OK then, let me do one thing here (leans out of frame).
(Trump disconnects from the meeting)
Junior: What happened? We lost Trump!
Meadows: I think he messed up his WiFi. We told him that the power switch on the router was the nuclear launch button to blow up California. I guess we’ll adjourn until tomorrow. Thanks, everyone!
- - End of Conversation - -
